i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
