The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
