Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
