Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
