It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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