I CAN MOONWALK!
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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