I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
