i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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