you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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