a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
