Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
