Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
