matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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