I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize