ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
