no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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