I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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