look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
