I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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