Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
