You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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