when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
