i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
