sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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