i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
