I'm pants shitting drunk right now
zippers are such a cool invention
Ketchup is God's man juice
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
