i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
