sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
