I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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