He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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