Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
