i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
