Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
