I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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