my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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