3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Randomize
