I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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