My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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