he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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