My nipple is on Facebook.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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