Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
