I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
