I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My vagina is very pro this idea
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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