I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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