God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
