Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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