I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
