I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
