toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
