I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
