I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
