They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
