Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Define "chronic" masturbator.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
