Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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