I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize