We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
