I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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