my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
