you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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