It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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