I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
sex in a hospital.. check
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
