finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
