Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
